Top Five (things you can only do or say to a woman when she's pregnant)

It has occurred to me that when you are pregnant people do and say things that would never be appropriate to otherwise...and as my doctor said, some are borderline inappropriate to say to a pregnant lady.  After experiencing some awkward and funny incidences I decided to make my top five list.

So here it is...TOP FIVE things you can only get away with doing or saying to a woman when she is pregnant.

5.  "Wow...you have gotten big!"

• I think I would rather people quote "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground and say, "Yo fat girl, come 'ere are ya ticklish?  Yea, I called you fat."  I mean at least that would make me laugh.  I have yet to meet any woman not pregnant where that is a compliment.  Pregnant women are usually aware of just how big they are getting, however, it's not really offensive.  At least to me.  The bigger this belly gets, the closer I am to due date.  So come on little one and grow! 

4.  "Are you sure there aren't two in there?"

• Okay...this one has been said to me on more than one occasion.  And while it makes me laugh, I also have to wonder if I am abnormally large at this stage or confirm what I fear may be true that this baby is going to be huge.  The fact that I was 9 lbs. 12 oz. and my husband was 9 lbs. 2 oz. when we were born does not exactly allow the genetics for a smaller baby.   I just keep picturing the birthing scene from the Twilight Breaking Dawn movie.  If you haven't seen it, I will spare you the details. 

3.  "Let me look at you from behind."

• This could be a compliment to a non-pregnant woman only if followed by "dang girl, you look good."  It is only bad for a pregnant woman when followed by the affirmation that you indeed look pregnant from behind.  Ha ha.  If I started asking women who are not pregnant to let me look at them from behind and then commenting on their backside in any way other than how firm their butt looks, I would lose a lot of friends.  

2.  Touching the belly.

• If I ever went up to a non-pregnant woman and rubbed her belly, well, I might get slapped.  Or arrested. I wonder what would happen if when someone rubs my belly I start rubbing theirs, too.  This is definitely something you can only get away with doing to someone with child. I honestly get the fascination with knowing there is life inside that protruding bulge.  Heck, I rub my own belly all the time.  Some pregnant women despise having people touch their stomachs.  I really only get weirded out if it's a stranger.  I think I have just become used to it.  I might make a shirt that says, "$10 to touch the tummy" and start turning a profit on this thing.  

And finally...

1.   Someone you really don't know grabbing your belly and hugging it.

• Yes...this happened to me at the flower market.  A very sweet lady, who was excited to see my belly, came over and leaned down and hugged it....for a while.  The best part was my business partner coming through the doors and witnessing me standing their, hands awkwardly in the air, not sure what to do.  I thought she was going to die...of laughter of course.  Let's just say that if I came up to any of you and hugged your belly you would think I was a freak.  But when someone is pregnant it is totally normal.